Could Raising Your Voice Be a Sign of Insecurity?

Yelling doesn't solve problemsSo we all get frustrated with others from time to time. Conflict is inevitable within relationships. Conflict would be OK if it were not also associated with unwelcomed emotions. Emotions like dread, disgust and doom. Anxiety too! The problem with conflict is that most of us associate it with a yelling mother and father, getting fussed at or cursed out. And for some maybe, even getting beat up. Many of us learn to avoid conflict at an early age. Yet when things don’t quite go our way, we who were yelled at often become yellers. The same abuse we received we often meet out to our subordinates. And maybe even our peers.

But why do we yell? Most say they yell because they don’t feel heard. Well unless you are yelling at someone who is hard of hearing, our general motivation for yelling is based on a lie we are telling ourselves. “I’m not being heard!” The truth is you have been heard. You are yelling because it seems to be the easiest way to get what you want. Rather than calmly express your thoughts or focus on what you can do to hold the offender responsible for their behavior, you chose instead to let them know how wrong they are and what they need to do to fix the situation. Yes, yelling is a bully tactic. And a sign that you will lose your mind when you perceive things are not going the way you imagined in your head. Yelling really is a sign that you lack confidence in your ability get others to do what you want them to do. It is an act of frustration and resignation. Your confidence has left the room. And everybody under the sound of your voice knows it. You are crying wolf and no one is paying attention. Because you end up making a lot of threats but never really following through. It actually feels like no one cares to you. In this desperate place, many have lost their mind acting out their anger. They fail to realize that they are only responsible for themselves.

Do you yell? Can you see yelling as a sign of insecurity? Can you yell quietly? If you yell, what is the usual outcome?

Comments 2

  • I’m learning to no longer try to reason with unreasonable people personally! I can’t control when others try to put words in my mouth, take digs at me stemming from their own insecurities, accusing me of being someone I’m not all in attempts to make me small and insignificant. But I am a child of GOD and He loves me beyond measure and His Helper is working overtime to assist me while on this healing journey! I now can discern why in my past I have allowed others to make me feel bad about myself and me why I would beat myself up when it wasn’t me but instead their toxic personality. In the past I had chosen to see the good in everyone. Now I can spot them sooner and I have discovered what triggers my personal emotional flashbacks and can take ownership of my own reactions/responses. I’m learning to set boundaries and to walk away from those who are toxic to me. Dr. Cloud, Dr. Rosenberg and others PhDs have taught me this is the best way to heal. This has set me free from the blame and shame associated with past toxic relationships. Now I find I can concentrate on setting healthier behaviors in motion and take ownership only for myself. My goal is to learn to be more mindful instead of reacting to instant emotional flashbacks (abuse from my past). I no longer need to burden myself with unreasonable people. Even GOD told us to shake the dust off our feet! And Dr. Henry Cloud has written a book on “Necessary Endings”! I highly recommend it! Insecurity? Funny how I feel more secure today than I ever have in my life! I have named it so now I can tame it! My biggest problem now is patience… I want to leap before it’s time. I must sit quietly through the grieving process! I lost my family years ago; now it’s time to move forward with my children and grandchildren. Happy sailing to you all!

  • This is so true! I was yelled at as a child, and when i raise my voice it’s because of frustration with a situation (usually an accident or a mistake I’ve made), or because I want to be heard on something very important. I’ve learned over the years (especially as a boss) that persuasion is best, but I sometimes slip up. It really is a sign of insecurity (in one’s ideas, or the belief in the strength of one’s ideas…) when you have to yell to get those ideas across. And if you want further evidence of this, look no further than the political discourse in our country…way TOO MUCH yelling, and not enough listening and rational discussion. So for me, it’s about taking that deep breath and counting to 10 (or more…) when I can feel I’m beginning to get very animated, passionate, aggressive in my response…

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Recovering My Life